Now that we’re fully into the new year, it’s time to revisit that age-old New Year’s Resolution, GOING TO THE GYM MORE OFTEN.
Those of us who are smart will take the first six weeks of the year and NOT go to the gym on a regular basis, as then we have to deal with the newbie idiots who’ve never been to the gym before but feel that it’s necessary in order to Feel Good About Themselves Because They’re Sticking to their New Year’s Resolution.
Those people can suck it, because they’re not going to be around the gym any more after the Super Bowl is over. We all know that January is the worst time to try to use the gym since it’s more crowded than it needs to be.
So just sit it out and wait a few weeks. Those idiots will eventually stop coming and you can climb back onto your StairMaster whenever you want.
So what do you need to know if you ARE one of those gym newbies? How can you maximize your gym workout and feel like you’re “one of the regulars”, even though you aren’t one yet?
Just follow these 27 RULES OF CONQUERING THE GYM and you’ll be acting like you own the place in no time. Here are 5 of our favorites:
- No one in the history of gyms has ever lost a pound while reading “The New Yorker” and slowly pedaling a recumbent bicycle. No one.
- Bring your iPod. Don’t borrow the disgusting gym headphones, or use the sad plastic radio attachment on the treadmill, which always sounds like it’s playing Kenny Loggins from a sewer
- Gyms have two types of members: Members who wipe down the machines after using them, and the worst people in the universe.
- There’s the yoga instructor everyone loves, and the yoga instructor everyone hates. Memorize who they are
- If a gym class is going to be effective, it’s hard. If you’re relaxed and enjoying yourself, you’re at brunch