How To

Tom likes beautiful women who can’t poop. (Memo to Tom: beautiful women don’t poop, ever.)

It Hurts When I Poop


Specifically, a fetish about women who are constipated.  Beautiful women, that is.

Tom’s fascination with poop – or lack thereof, it appears – puts him into the same category as a klismaphiliac (a person with an enema fetish), a mysophiliac (a person with an excretion fetish), or an eproctolagniac (a person with a fart fetish).

Keeping the pipes clean is a four-step process:

  • Hydration:  more water in the colon helps keep the pipes clear
  • Mechanical: add bulky high-insoluble fiber to your diet
  • Irritation: the colon needs a little irritation, such as psyllium husks or flax seed
  • Stimulation: caffeine, nicotine, or exercise

If you’re not doing enough of each of these four items, Tom may take an unhealthy interest in you and your clogged-up bowels.

So Web Watch would like to offer this public service announcement to help our more attractive Web Watch readers avoid people like Tom and become more regular, with some of these HANDY TIPS TO RELIEVE CONSTIPATION:

  • Activia
  • Coffee
  • Cigarettes
  • Senna Tea
  • Suppositories
  • Sugar-free candy
  • a Reuben sandwich
  • Aloe juice (mixed with lemon and water)
  • 10 oz hot water and 1 lemon squeezed in
  • 1 cup Magen-darm tee (Really strong chamomile tea)
  • 3 shots of espresso
  • A tummy massage starting at the navel, in a clockwise motion up to above your pubic bone for 2 minutes
  • Touch your toes and reach up into the air and repeat for 2 minutes.
  • Eat fresh unsweetened, active culture whole milk yogurt with raw Quaker oats
  • Eliminate white flours and refined sugar
  • Increase intake of healthy oils like Extra-Virgin Olive Oil
  • Constantly eat celery before, during and after meals
  • 2 tablespoons of raw wheat bran